So Long...

I know I haven't posted anything new in probably a good month. I hope I still have some readers left, and you all haven't moved to more consistent blogs. My hiatus from the blog scene is because I've decided to actually do something with my life. I was growing tired of sitting at home all day and feeling sorry for myself. Rejection after rejection from job after job, and I could feel my mind slowly mushing into oblivion. But in my moments of immense reflection on where I am in my life, I look at my strides along with its setbacks. I realize that I have overcome more then I give myself credit for. I've been on a crazy journey these last 23 years, and I think its time to share it. I've been talking to a publisher about putting my poetry into book form, but after much reconsideration, I've decided to started my first novel. I don't know if I can call this an autobiography, but there will definitely MANY elements that I will have grabbed from my personal experiences.
I have so much hesitation about it because there will be some elements of my life that I of course want to keep hidden, and I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but I think some people need to be encouraged by a story of triumph in spite of bad choices, insecurities, and struggles with spirituality vs. the rest of the world. It's a young woman's journey to Christ... Better yet, My Journey to Christ.

Our Love...

My feet left earth the first
time he kissed me.
My thoughts disconnected
from my reality.
And the sensation took a
run with mental agility.
I held our love with
an essential frailty
and I tucked it deep
within my hearts cavity.
Oh honey love.
Dripped sweet and thick like
the passion that dances
off of our lips.
Just when I thought love was
a cynics perfect argument.
It put selfish games away
and submitted.
As did we.
We surrendered to a devotion
sealed secure with
the unyielding lock of truth.
To a bonded allegiance guarded
by the army of commitment.
I finally gave my full amour
to a love basking in the endless
sunshine of warm perfection.
And we would stand at the pinnacle
of love's mountaintop
and risk frostbite on snow caps,
Just to reach an altitude
worthy enough to thank
God for this gift.
Adrift on love's raft
unharmed by the waves crash
or misfortune from below.
I hold on to he and he to me.
And we to the Almighty.
And God is why our Love
remains steadfast.
And He is why the burning
sands of life fall
like summer rain.
And we fill each other with
a feeling we won't explain.
because who needs explanation
for blood through veins?
or clouds filled with rain,
Wings on a plane,
Or thoughts to a brain.
He needs me,
Like I need him.
And this
simply put, is
our love.

Poetess

We all struggle

Happy Sabbath everyone!!! God is Good. T.G.I.F. I should be sleeping since its 2:32am but I wanted to share something with you all. I was reading in the bible tonight in Romans and it was talking about struggling with sin. Romans 7:14-25 basically is talking about how we know we shouldn't sin, but we still do it. We fully know the laws of God, yet we break them. When we want to do good, we don't. And when we try not to do wrong, we do it anyways. That is the confusion of a sinner. Constant battle with what we know we should do and what we're doing.


I think one point I'm trying to make is that we ALLLL have something that we are struggling with. And if you don't think you do, then I'm especially talking to you. You see there are two types of sins Closet Sins and Open sins. But EVERYONE STILL STRUGGLES WITH SOMETHING! Paul was a man of Prestige and upper standing and he still struggled. Jesus' Disciples has some major issues they had a hard time with.


But do you know how we react when we find out a sin or struggle of someone elses? When we find out someone elses weakness we naturally give a mmmm hmmm and make it our business to spread the news to whoever will listen. Imagine how different things would be if when someone reveals their transgression, you simply reply with... I feel you. How much of a relief would we be if we knew we weren't in this alone? We could confide in each other without fear, because we knew she/he felt where I was coming from.


But some of us think we have the right to turn our noses up at someone else? We think we're on this pedistal because our sins aren't as bad as someone elses. You might only curse sometimes, or drink on special occasions, Or you might just be spreading other peoples personal business. Well Guess what? When it comes to sin there is no Big, middle, and little. There is no Hierarchy or totem pole. James 2:10 says "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in ONE point, He is guilty of ALL." So believe it or not we're all in the same boat. So before we talk badly about him , or alienate the girl who you heard did this or that with such and such, remember your struggle might not be their struggle, but YOU FEEL THEM STILL because you know what it is to struggle.


* I'm talking to myself in this blog too... Have mercy.

I got this...

So, as the struggles of life continue I do everything I can to avoid my adversary. But still this evil thing has taken away the things I love. It keeps me from enjoying what used to bring me happiness. And everytime I think I can overcome and truimph, and stick to the vows I committed myself to, I fail. I backslide. I give in. That D named enemy is upon me as I type. And its on my mind every second of the day. That opponent that is challenging me is called my DIET! LORD HAVE MERCY!!!! Maybe not everyone can relate to this blog, because ya'll are in pretty good shape. But for those readers who might have a lil too much junk in their trunks, or maybe your stomach is in need of its own zip code. Or perhaps your case is not as extreme, and you just want to be able to wear cordoroys without fear of your thighs catching fire. Whatever your situation, I feel you pain, and possibly a lil bit more (especially in my knees) lol. But seriously ya'll I am on a major diet. Calorie counting, pedometer wearing, fruit chomping, Veggie steaming diet. and its ROUGH! Breaking bad habits is not easy, and when your used to a certain way of life, its hard to do differently. But I had to realize that chips and dip at 2am isn't the best idea. And I shouldn't be sneaking downstairs like a burglar for midnight snacks. I have always been pleasantly plump, ever since I was a baby. I don't even know what it feels like to be a "normal" size for my age. Of my sisters I was the biggest baby, and from then on it was just a way of life for me. I was used to it. And I was comfortable with myself for the most part, But I was tired of being the girl with a pretty face and a body that I couldn't be equally as proud of. While I've embrace my voluptuousness I was beginning to feel awkward in my own skin. Lately, sitting in jeans became uncomfortable, and my baby toe would fall asleep every so often. And I apologize for my boldness, but I'm tired of having to wear under garment body shapers everytime I want to wear a cute dress. It's not about turning heads at this point, (even though I will be able to buy cuter clothes and shoes). It's more about freedom. Freedom from fear of arm chairs, sleeveless shirts and flights of stairs. I just want to be healthy and happy. I'm excited though. I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So, I will let you guys know my progress and keep you filled in on my journey from *** pounds to something I can really be proud of. ( Ya'll tripping if you thought I was telling you that number. )

Her meekness...

Her age was apparent in the
meekness of her cheeks,
and in the uncharted territory
where her two legs meet.
But that number and her
body was a clear contradiction.
So when he inquired
Her hip width convinced him that
number was fiction.
And like the beginning of an addiction
his curiosity got the best of him.
His mind warned stop, while he battled
with the rest of him.
She being non the wiser, to her
he was like a big brother,
And he played the part perfect,
like her long lost father.
You see, at fourteen a young
girl with no daddy clings to
what she's never known.
A man could win her trust with
sweet talk and an ice cream cone.
It didn't take much to please
her little girl needs.
But time came for someone
to return to him the deed.
His pleasure was more
than she could supply.
But like ants on a popsicle stick
he crept up her thigh
and hand over her pink lips
before she could reply.
Ripped skirt, quivered hips,
muffled cries, tight grip.
Meekness tainted
Innocence retreat
Now hips still wide,
enough for baby's head and feet.
Her bundle of love, is her
created greatness
But how does she tell her daughter
her daddy was mommies rapist?

Poetess

More Like a Pop Quiz

I feel like I'm really being tested by God right now. Everyday I wake up with the mindset that this day is brand new. I'm not who I used to be, and I have no desire to go back there again. But every now and then it seems that as soon as Amen leaves my lips, the sincerity of what I prayed about is put to the test. More like a pop-quiz. It's always sporatic and can catch an unsuspecting person off guard. Than I have to make the conscious choice, am I really willing to make the effort to be a better person? Sometimes out of nowhere I might get a phone call , and someone tells me something that I REALLY don't want/need to hear. It might even be an arguement in the house with my parents. There's always something that has the potential to bring me down to such an angry or sad place. But the test now is can I rise above it? Sometimes I just want to say Bump this, I won't be the bigger person this time. Then juvenile mentalities and self indulged ideas come into play and try to take the place of everything I've worked so hard towards. It's a difficult thing to let go of yourself, and to be the person God really wants you to be. It's easy to lay back and snuggle in the blankets of old habits, but sooner or later you'll have to realize its time to get up and change those old sheets. So I did. It wasn't an easy task, but I take it day by day. The devil can use these little humps and manipulate them to his advantage, to make them become mountains that are bigger than the truth. So I stay prayed up, and ready. I'm at the stage now where all of my actions are very much concentrated on and intentional. I have to think about everything I say, before I say it, and choose my actions carefully. But God appreciates us being intentional because that lets him know we're thinking about him. I just can't wait till I don't even have to think about it, and it all just comes so naturally to me. Where my relationship is so tight its second nature to thank God, and praise Him, ask Him for advice, and spend time with Him like one of my friends. Because I know, if there is anything i've learned, the only person you can 100% count on, is God. And I'm learning that each day that passes.

One is the Lonliest Number....

Living in Georgia without any friends is a hard thing to come to grips with. Especially when your heart yearns so earnestly to be back where you are familiar with almost everything. I left all of my friends and practically my life to come to a foreign place without anyone. The first month or so I wasn't even worried about making new friends. I knew it would come with time, But tick tock went the months, and still nothing. I didn't want to make just any random friends, but people who have substance and a foundation in the same things I do. Where else to look besides in the church. I joined the choir, singles ministry, volunteer to help out serving at potlucks, and still I am just the new girl named D-something. Believe it or not, church folks aren't as open armed as people might think. Sure, the ushers and deacons know my face and share hugs with me every week. But the people my age already have their cliques and aren't very inviting. It's not an easy thing to just bogard my way into their scene when I'm only an extra in their production. I haven't reached leading role status, and I might be to proud to ask.

So here I am, sitting with my grandmother every week at church, staring at the walls at night because bedtime for most occupants in this house is averaging 9:30pm, and letting my memories or old friends conjur saddness. ........I miss them. Words really can't put into expression what I feel. I don't think sad or lonely would suffice. And all of my old friends are too busy with their lives to remember me. But I know they are busy with school and everything, but exactly what I was afraid of has come to pass. I just feel so out of the loop of life. I think Georgia was a bad idea. I wish I had prayed before I came here, because it might not have been the right choice. Sure it's comfy living in a big house with plenty of food, cable and anything else I could ask for. But if I had to choose between living a not so comfortable life on my own, with friends I love, or having all the luxuries in the world but feeling void of... of... of that which I can't describe. I choose option A.

I need to pray on this because I know he devil can take saddness and turn it into depression, and I don't even want to tip toe down that path. I know I'm never alone, but I still need to find my peace.

Lord, I pray for Your comfort. Amen