We all struggle

Happy Sabbath everyone!!! God is Good. T.G.I.F. I should be sleeping since its 2:32am but I wanted to share something with you all. I was reading in the bible tonight in Romans and it was talking about struggling with sin. Romans 7:14-25 basically is talking about how we know we shouldn't sin, but we still do it. We fully know the laws of God, yet we break them. When we want to do good, we don't. And when we try not to do wrong, we do it anyways. That is the confusion of a sinner. Constant battle with what we know we should do and what we're doing.


I think one point I'm trying to make is that we ALLLL have something that we are struggling with. And if you don't think you do, then I'm especially talking to you. You see there are two types of sins Closet Sins and Open sins. But EVERYONE STILL STRUGGLES WITH SOMETHING! Paul was a man of Prestige and upper standing and he still struggled. Jesus' Disciples has some major issues they had a hard time with.


But do you know how we react when we find out a sin or struggle of someone elses? When we find out someone elses weakness we naturally give a mmmm hmmm and make it our business to spread the news to whoever will listen. Imagine how different things would be if when someone reveals their transgression, you simply reply with... I feel you. How much of a relief would we be if we knew we weren't in this alone? We could confide in each other without fear, because we knew she/he felt where I was coming from.


But some of us think we have the right to turn our noses up at someone else? We think we're on this pedistal because our sins aren't as bad as someone elses. You might only curse sometimes, or drink on special occasions, Or you might just be spreading other peoples personal business. Well Guess what? When it comes to sin there is no Big, middle, and little. There is no Hierarchy or totem pole. James 2:10 says "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in ONE point, He is guilty of ALL." So believe it or not we're all in the same boat. So before we talk badly about him , or alienate the girl who you heard did this or that with such and such, remember your struggle might not be their struggle, but YOU FEEL THEM STILL because you know what it is to struggle.


* I'm talking to myself in this blog too... Have mercy.

I got this...

So, as the struggles of life continue I do everything I can to avoid my adversary. But still this evil thing has taken away the things I love. It keeps me from enjoying what used to bring me happiness. And everytime I think I can overcome and truimph, and stick to the vows I committed myself to, I fail. I backslide. I give in. That D named enemy is upon me as I type. And its on my mind every second of the day. That opponent that is challenging me is called my DIET! LORD HAVE MERCY!!!! Maybe not everyone can relate to this blog, because ya'll are in pretty good shape. But for those readers who might have a lil too much junk in their trunks, or maybe your stomach is in need of its own zip code. Or perhaps your case is not as extreme, and you just want to be able to wear cordoroys without fear of your thighs catching fire. Whatever your situation, I feel you pain, and possibly a lil bit more (especially in my knees) lol. But seriously ya'll I am on a major diet. Calorie counting, pedometer wearing, fruit chomping, Veggie steaming diet. and its ROUGH! Breaking bad habits is not easy, and when your used to a certain way of life, its hard to do differently. But I had to realize that chips and dip at 2am isn't the best idea. And I shouldn't be sneaking downstairs like a burglar for midnight snacks. I have always been pleasantly plump, ever since I was a baby. I don't even know what it feels like to be a "normal" size for my age. Of my sisters I was the biggest baby, and from then on it was just a way of life for me. I was used to it. And I was comfortable with myself for the most part, But I was tired of being the girl with a pretty face and a body that I couldn't be equally as proud of. While I've embrace my voluptuousness I was beginning to feel awkward in my own skin. Lately, sitting in jeans became uncomfortable, and my baby toe would fall asleep every so often. And I apologize for my boldness, but I'm tired of having to wear under garment body shapers everytime I want to wear a cute dress. It's not about turning heads at this point, (even though I will be able to buy cuter clothes and shoes). It's more about freedom. Freedom from fear of arm chairs, sleeveless shirts and flights of stairs. I just want to be healthy and happy. I'm excited though. I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So, I will let you guys know my progress and keep you filled in on my journey from *** pounds to something I can really be proud of. ( Ya'll tripping if you thought I was telling you that number. )

Her meekness...

Her age was apparent in the
meekness of her cheeks,
and in the uncharted territory
where her two legs meet.
But that number and her
body was a clear contradiction.
So when he inquired
Her hip width convinced him that
number was fiction.
And like the beginning of an addiction
his curiosity got the best of him.
His mind warned stop, while he battled
with the rest of him.
She being non the wiser, to her
he was like a big brother,
And he played the part perfect,
like her long lost father.
You see, at fourteen a young
girl with no daddy clings to
what she's never known.
A man could win her trust with
sweet talk and an ice cream cone.
It didn't take much to please
her little girl needs.
But time came for someone
to return to him the deed.
His pleasure was more
than she could supply.
But like ants on a popsicle stick
he crept up her thigh
and hand over her pink lips
before she could reply.
Ripped skirt, quivered hips,
muffled cries, tight grip.
Meekness tainted
Innocence retreat
Now hips still wide,
enough for baby's head and feet.
Her bundle of love, is her
created greatness
But how does she tell her daughter
her daddy was mommies rapist?

Poetess

More Like a Pop Quiz

I feel like I'm really being tested by God right now. Everyday I wake up with the mindset that this day is brand new. I'm not who I used to be, and I have no desire to go back there again. But every now and then it seems that as soon as Amen leaves my lips, the sincerity of what I prayed about is put to the test. More like a pop-quiz. It's always sporatic and can catch an unsuspecting person off guard. Than I have to make the conscious choice, am I really willing to make the effort to be a better person? Sometimes out of nowhere I might get a phone call , and someone tells me something that I REALLY don't want/need to hear. It might even be an arguement in the house with my parents. There's always something that has the potential to bring me down to such an angry or sad place. But the test now is can I rise above it? Sometimes I just want to say Bump this, I won't be the bigger person this time. Then juvenile mentalities and self indulged ideas come into play and try to take the place of everything I've worked so hard towards. It's a difficult thing to let go of yourself, and to be the person God really wants you to be. It's easy to lay back and snuggle in the blankets of old habits, but sooner or later you'll have to realize its time to get up and change those old sheets. So I did. It wasn't an easy task, but I take it day by day. The devil can use these little humps and manipulate them to his advantage, to make them become mountains that are bigger than the truth. So I stay prayed up, and ready. I'm at the stage now where all of my actions are very much concentrated on and intentional. I have to think about everything I say, before I say it, and choose my actions carefully. But God appreciates us being intentional because that lets him know we're thinking about him. I just can't wait till I don't even have to think about it, and it all just comes so naturally to me. Where my relationship is so tight its second nature to thank God, and praise Him, ask Him for advice, and spend time with Him like one of my friends. Because I know, if there is anything i've learned, the only person you can 100% count on, is God. And I'm learning that each day that passes.

One is the Lonliest Number....

Living in Georgia without any friends is a hard thing to come to grips with. Especially when your heart yearns so earnestly to be back where you are familiar with almost everything. I left all of my friends and practically my life to come to a foreign place without anyone. The first month or so I wasn't even worried about making new friends. I knew it would come with time, But tick tock went the months, and still nothing. I didn't want to make just any random friends, but people who have substance and a foundation in the same things I do. Where else to look besides in the church. I joined the choir, singles ministry, volunteer to help out serving at potlucks, and still I am just the new girl named D-something. Believe it or not, church folks aren't as open armed as people might think. Sure, the ushers and deacons know my face and share hugs with me every week. But the people my age already have their cliques and aren't very inviting. It's not an easy thing to just bogard my way into their scene when I'm only an extra in their production. I haven't reached leading role status, and I might be to proud to ask.

So here I am, sitting with my grandmother every week at church, staring at the walls at night because bedtime for most occupants in this house is averaging 9:30pm, and letting my memories or old friends conjur saddness. ........I miss them. Words really can't put into expression what I feel. I don't think sad or lonely would suffice. And all of my old friends are too busy with their lives to remember me. But I know they are busy with school and everything, but exactly what I was afraid of has come to pass. I just feel so out of the loop of life. I think Georgia was a bad idea. I wish I had prayed before I came here, because it might not have been the right choice. Sure it's comfy living in a big house with plenty of food, cable and anything else I could ask for. But if I had to choose between living a not so comfortable life on my own, with friends I love, or having all the luxuries in the world but feeling void of... of... of that which I can't describe. I choose option A.

I need to pray on this because I know he devil can take saddness and turn it into depression, and I don't even want to tip toe down that path. I know I'm never alone, but I still need to find my peace.

Lord, I pray for Your comfort. Amen

When He Pushed, I Pulled...

Hello?
Is anyone home?
I know I unexpectedly stopped by,
Your heart.
You thought I'd be on of those guests
that come and quickly depart.
No.
I'm not like the others.
A connection grew between
your heart and mine.
But in the past with the other guest
who pulled your heart strings
you gave them no time.
With them you pushed...
and with me you still pushed.
You pushed me away because maybe
I was getting to close,
Most would pack their knap sack
and conclude it's a wrap,
But me, I was too attached.
So when you pushed,
I pulled.
Some may say, girl you's a fool
"Never fall in love with a man
Who don't love you!"
Those words rang in left and right
ear like noontime at the cathedral.
Ding, dong, Ding, dong
What did I do...Wrong?
...............
..........Nothing!

You know what I'm tired of this
war of two hearts tugging
And I know it wasn't only physical because
we never did all that kissing and hugging.
Think outloud...
Maybe this is your excuse to keep
me right where you want me.
Or maybe you love me too much to date
me and possibly dump me.
Well whatever the case
I have to let you go because
I just can't wait.
Because while I'm sitting and sulking
You'll be out new girl on another date
And that's not my fate.
So if you ever get the courage to
Open your door and see where I'm at,
Just know that I won't be waiting on
Your very UNwelcome mat.

-Poetess

What is your face saying?

I have a real love for children and old people. Everything else in between I'll leave to the professionals. I love talking to them, observing their habits, and sometimes just stare at them. But have you ever seen those old people (I guess I should call them elderly people for sensitivity sake... OH WELL lol *sorry grandma) But ever noticed the old people who look like they have a constant frown on their faces? Even when their facial muscles are completely relaxed they look sad or angry. I saw a man in the super market one day. He was shlepping along picking up his various produce. He had to be at least 75. I was already impressed with his motor skills, and his independence, but his face was telling me a story. The lines on his face were long, deep and depressing. The corners of his mouth were battling gravity and losing the fight. He had a river of a wrinkle flowing deep from his forehead to just between is sinatra blue eyes. He just looked tired. Even in his banter with a another shopper, his smiles were forced and painful. All I could think was, Man, what kind of life has this man lived? I think the lines of our face tell a small story of our lives. A 66 years old woman with laugh lines framing her face like parenthesis' took time to laugh over the years. And the man with a wrinked forehead like ocean waves maybe spent too much time worrying. AND even young people. My mother has an inch long valley in between her eyes. Over the years i've watched it deepen and deepen. When she squints at fine print, or is cooking over hot frying oil it appears. But mostly when she's frustrated or angry. When I see it show up, I smoothe it out with the soft side of my thumb from base to tip. She realizes and opens her eyes bright like she trying to hide it. I looked in the mirror one day and was astonished to see, the same crease I tried to erase from my mothers face has jumped onto mine. I'm 23 and have spent enough time frustrated, angry, and at times scowling to have an impression form on my face. Laugh lines are not even present. (That might be because my cheeks are too chunky) But STILL! Has my life already been so hard that it's starting to take a physical toll on my body? It's crazy...But seriously, Next time you look in the mirror, think about the story your face is telling the world. Were you a worrier? or a laugher? Frustrated? or Angry..When your eating lunch alone with a frown on your face, or having distressing thought over physics. Remember you can only hide it for so long. Your story will be told one way or another.

Jazz...

There's something about the way the sound of Jazz floats through the air like a sweet scent. Sometimes it's like you hear a big band or a trumpet solo and you can see the notes in living color. A violet guitar solo, and a midnight blue base serenade, or the yellow ting of a snare rumble. Have you ever been overwhelmed with the warmth of a saxophone or felt your heart thump right along with the drum. And even without lyrics the emotion of jazz is clear to the musician. Only the composer can put a perfect title to his/her piece. Only Grover Washington could name that relaxing sound on his album Strawberry Moon, because thats what it sounded like to him. That sensation of "awww" is called inspiration.


And those songs blessed with lyrics are heart felt and pure. So relatable to its listeners. They sing of desired love, lost love, failed love, hard times, and fun times. How many ways can you talk about love? Peggy Lee describes her lover as her thrill. Dinah Washington begs her love to "Make me a present of you" "What good is a gal with a million? What good if the world calls you queen. If you dont have someone to love you, you don't have a doggone thing." Who doesn't want to be loved? Jazz embodies love in all of its facets. The good bad and ugly. The gut wrenching, and desperation of reciprocated emotion. And a Miss Etta James said it best when she declared she wants a "Sunday Kind of Love"

I want a Sunday kind of love
A love to last past Saturday night
And I'd like to know it's more than love at first sight
And I want a Sunday kind of love
I want a a love that's on the square
Can't seem to find somebody
Someone to care
And I'm on a lonely road that leads to no where
I need a Sunday kind of love
I do my Sunday dreaming, Oh yea
And all my Sunday scheming
Every minute, every hour, every day
Oh I'm hoping to discover
A certain kind of lover
Who will show me the way...."

Me too....

Guilt

Happy Sabbath!!


After you've done something that you knew was wrong, has there ever been a time when you just couldn't get it off of your mind. It was like a mouse gnawing on your brain all day? Or maybe even something you've said that was hurtful to someone else, has it ever stayed on your mind for a really long time? That feeling is called guilt. We should actually rejoice in that feeling of guilt. Now im not saying that we should be glad we have something to be guilty about, but we should be happy to know that whatever we've done has made us uncomfortable. We should start to worry when we are messing up left and right an we just continue about our day like nothing has happened. That means we have become COMFORTABLE in our sinful ways. That's when the trouble starts, and the Devil rejoices, and keeps on working on us.

There used to be a time when I would frequent clubs and parties, I would even drink and smoke (I know ya'll!! I KNOW!) And when i didn't know Jesus, It was never a problem. It was second nature. Everyone else was there. All my friends came with me so it wasn't a big deal. everyone else was bumping a grinding. I would see people who come to church faithfully that were posted on the wall with they booties in the air. So What!! But as i learned more about Jesus, the more UNcomfortable I became. I wasn't so eager to go to these parties anymore. It just wasn't as fun anymore. And the guilt of what I was doing started to set in. I felt guilty because I was setting a bad example to my fellow Christians. I was the girl in the choir loft. I was the first face you saw when you came into church, and the first rear end you'd see bent over on the dance floor. Talk about a double life. Guilt ya'll! Powerful stuff. And not to toot my own horn, but I was popular. Everyone knew who i was. Active in the church, choir, head usher, sign language ...THE WORKS! But what does that do to my ministry when im singing praises to God on Saturday morning, And everyone expects to see me on Saturday night shaking ma bootay? I wouldn't believe what I was saying either! I was someone stumbling block and didn't even know it.

So After the guilt set in...God went to work on me! What an amazing God we serve! I became more and more unanxious to attend these gathering, and that was Him slowly changed the desires of my heart. I no longer had a desire to even enter the building, even to be a wall flower. He replaced the friends that used to improperly influence me with those who tried to lift me up. And those friends i still have in my life who are still partying, maybe i was meant to be a proper influence on them. God is Good. So remember next time you feel guilty about something you've done, or your lifestyle, be happy that you still have the ability to distinquish right from wrong. And realize there is still time for God to change the desires of your heart, if you allow him to. AMEN!!